also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
