I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
