I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Randomize
