I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
