That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
