she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
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