Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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