A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
