she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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