I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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