I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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