Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
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There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
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Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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