Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
