dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
