What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
