I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
