I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
