bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
