I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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