I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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