The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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