My sheets look like a crime scene.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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