youre lurking in front of me
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
