My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
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level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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