i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
