you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
tonight lets celebrate not being married
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
that may or may not have been my penis.
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