I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
