Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
