i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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