I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
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