I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
