my mouth tastes like poor choices
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
