Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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