You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
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