Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
What did we do last night that was yellow?
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
