I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
