I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
