Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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