you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
