Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
