R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
