Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
