not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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