I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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