my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
