I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
