I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
