they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
