Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
