I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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