I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
