Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
