How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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