Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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