the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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