the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
