2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I think my moral compass just broke
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