Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
