just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
3pm strippers are depressing
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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