Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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