When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
