Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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